caseyptsdandtbi
caseyptsdandtbi
| Forum role | Member since | Last activity | Topics created | Replies created |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Member | Jan 29, 2013 (13 years) |
- | 3 | 1 |
- Forum role
- Member
- Member since
Jan 29, 2013 (13 years)
- Last activity
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- Topics created
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Bio
I had a full-life, before becoming a mom, I had a career in television broadcasting, then before my youngest was born, devoted myself to those munchkins. I LOVED IT! From being their Room Mother, dragging fruit slices at halftime/after the game drinks to their sporting events; picking them up from school. EACH DAY asking them the SAME question: 'What made you laugh the most today?"Then the greatest thing happened to me: I had a nervous breakdown when my youngest was in 2nd grade. God wanted the dysfunctional cycle in our family TO STOP, and I was an eager learner to soak up healthy ANYTHING: Communicating Skills, Parenting Skills. After being ignored/neglected for so long, based on the fact I was not 'Perfect', I discovered, I LIKED my personality! I was Outgoing. I was Funny! I was FUN! I became a better mother. I began to Listen. I learned how to slow down, be Patient (a word that was not in my vocabulary) yet, as I look back at that time, I did not learn the tools on how to love UNCONDITIONALLY. I am my WORST, HARSHEST critic. But, being aware is the 1st Step. Now, I need to develop Discipline to put my goals into motion. Deciding he could not wait for me to get well, I was left to fend for myself. I HATE abandonment. Something I am all too familiar. I swore I would NEVER let anyone hurt me EVER again, thus, never remarry. But, then I saw this 6'3", endless legs, a tall Texan, brilliant! Over 222+ college hours. And I have a soft spot for Intelligent men.
Why did I never learn to be attracted to Emotionally STRONG ones?
Beginning in 1999, I married an Active Duty Army Combat Engineer. He did not enlist until WELL after he finished college. He barely made it at 34; the cut-off age was 35. He celebrated that fateful birthday during Basic Training with all the 18-20 year olds.
After a Peace-Keeping Mission to Kosovo, during 9/11...
(the two highlights of those 8-9 months in the Balkan region, was (A) two days after the attack at the World Trade Center, both fighting factions in the town of Gnjilane, including the Muslims, we were protecting, STOPPED fighting one evening, came TOGETHER, placed a variety of candles around the public square, and as a group, sang together to the NOW fully-weaponized, tense & Alert American soldiers, as the citizens expressed their sorrow that violence had reached OUR shores! Being away from home at a time like that, going on high-alert, seeing the destruction of the Towers, the Pentagon & the field in Pa, the battle- ready soldiers were in need of compassion. They did NOT let their guard down. But they had the capacity to appreciate! But, being men, did not show any emotion. I am really familiar with that now.
The funny ha-ha moment of that mission, was (B) arresting a writer-type, for being out past curfew: now famous: Sebastian Junger!) ....
After Years of training as a GROUP, in an untold number of Field Training Exercises in the Piney woods of Georgia, then to both the National Training Center at Fort Irwin, CA. & the Urban Center at Fort Polk, LA, John was not showing Fear, but a type of excitement, to FINALLY use his job skills. He could do them by rote, automatically, in his sleep; he left, excited to FINALLY use ALL his skills! I have to admit, I was naive and I was verbal and said I was thrilled FOR HIM that after all the hard work, training long exhausting hours in miserable conditions, it was all about to be put to the test.
How absolutely STUPID can one be?
Here is how the REALITY went down...
He went downrange 4 times, IN 6 YEARS, including the Invasion, on Combat Tours to Iraq. He was forced to Medically Retire due a Traumatic Brain Injury, & was also diagnosed with Chronic PTSD & Post Concussive Headache Disorder. He went through the Med Board Process, and was Medically Retired in 2013.
Now, a 100% Disabled VA rated OIF Veteran.
After being an advocate for my Army Spouses as a Family Readiness Leader in every Engineer Company my husband was in for 13 years, it was only natural that after he was diagnosed with Chronic PTSD and TBI, was forced to leave Engineering for the Warriors Transition Brigade, at Ft. Hood, TX, that I wanted to learn all I could about these subjects.
After all, I had learned all I could on the subject of ADHD after my son was diagnosed with it in Middle School and even started a local chapter of the National Association to help other parent's facing the same obstacles. I LOVE Learning. I think I love doing the Actual Researching even MORE. It lead me to so many off-shoots of Combat Trauma, such as Moral Injury. I realized, extremely sadly, that the women in today's military, the question you never ask isn't 'Have you been sexually, or physically assaulted?" No, it's worse. The Truth, which we will never have the guts to ask, unless we truly know them and they trust us, is 'HOW MANY TIMES has this happened to you?' That makes me physically ill, just to type it. When I am on Post, if I see a female in uniform, after I shake her hand for serving our country, my immediate 2nd question is: "Do you know MORE than the fundamentals the Army has taught you about Self-Defense?"
Oh, yes, John.
My husband was not diagnosed with TBI, until Reintegration after his third deployment.
He did not suspect his horrible headaches were from a mild Traumatic Brain Injury he sustained when the shock wave of a mortar blew him off the top of a 113 Armored Personnel Carrier and onto the ground…on his back and head. HE NEVER CONNECTED THE TWO INCIDENTS!
There was no medic with their group that day.
When they finally landed at a place that DID have a medic, his headache was gone, his ears were no longer ringing and they had tackled so many missions during that three day and he did not think to mention it.
I finally SAW the result of the injury 10 years later, in 2013, when a neurologist at the National Intrepid Center of Excellence, NICOE, showed me John's MRI, and even though all that time had passed, I could still see the 39 t-2 scars scattered throughout his brain. It's not that I DID NOT BELIEVE HE DIDN'T HAVE A TBI, as I certainly knew from his behavior, he had all the cognitive symptoms, but it was ONE THING, TO SEE HIS BRAIN, AND TO ACTUALLY SEE THE SCARS.
For Myself, to prepare for the rest of my New Normal life, and to help Spouses who had written me through email and social media,
(I had been quite open on my Facebook page on what we were going through, and I had been an FRG Leader 13 years, so I had met quite a few spouses who had Soldiers go on multiple deployments, and had been back one, two or more years, MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO READJUST. They were saying: their Soldiers came back changed, but would not seek Mental or Physical help from Health Care Providers.
I decided to put the articles I was researching for me, HERE, so others could learn right along with me.
Some soldiers with undiagnosed PTSD refuse to acknowledge that it even exits. They deny to their Spouses that they suffer from the symptoms, even though, deep down inside, in my opinion, they know something is definitely different about them! (BUT, DENIAL IS A FACTOR OF PTSD!)
Some soldiers have mild TBI, but do not remember the time it might have occurred. As my husband did.
It is the Spouses who live with the consequences of these Soldiers and now Vets, NOT getting help and deal every day with their behavior which include Mood Swings, Anger directed at them, their children or the World, Sleeping Difficulties: either falling asleep or staying asleep, Headaches, Irritability, Anxiety, Depression, Dependence on Alcohol or another source of Numbing out of being Present, Marital Problems: which could include lack of Sexual Intimacy, all forms of Fatigue, problems in Communication and Forgetfulness, Guilt, Shame, Anger, Sadness, Organizing Thoughts and sometimes Suicide.
I wanted to share with those Spouses what I was learning, so they could understand WHAT is going on in their Soldier’s or Vet’s minds: WHY they do what they do, why they cannot do what they used to do, and more importantly FOR THE SERVICE MEMBER to see how their actions are affecting their Spouse and Children’s self-esteem, confidence and well-being!
The Caregiver must take care of them self, if not for their own mental health, then for the children’s sake.
But, first (1) they must be informed with what they are dealing with: this New Normal, as I call it. Educate yourself on PTSD or whatever your Partner's or family member's diagnosis is!
(2) Organize yourself so you are not overwhelmed. For example: get a large calendar, and in different color ink, write down Soldier/Vet appointments, Your appointments, your Children's appointments, so at a glance, you know what your day, week and month look like! (3) As a Caregiver, take time in your hectic day, for just yourself. Even if it is only 15 minutes in the bathroom, where you can have Quiet Time.
If the Soldier or Vet will not seek help, then I am hoping YOU will get the help through a trained counselor. Look for one who has training in "Combat Trauma". I live near Ft Hood, so I am lucky to see one.
Why do YOU need to see a counselor?
Your home needs to have a high standard of Quality of Life in which to raise your children.
Parents are the role models of what their children think important when they grow up and become adults.
If they won't have a healthy Veteran as a parent role model, THEN MAKE SURE THEY HAVE ONE...IN YOU!
Someone who has good self-esteem, and has learned good parenting skills.
I am "doubling" up right now, as my husband is going through a particularly Angry and Argumentative PTSD-stage.
I see a therapist trained in Combat Trauma, a woman; but I am also seeing a Chaplain, WHO HAS BEEN DOWNRANGE, who can help me with the added 'extras' that come with living with someone with Combat PTSD, plus we are going to start seeing a Chaplain together, WHO HAS BEEN DOWNRANGE, this part was very important to me!!!...who can teach us about how God created Marriage and what a healthy Marriage Biblical one is to look like.
I want to glorify Christ through my marriage.
I want to know how He designed Me to be as a Wife, and my husband, who had 2 alcoholic parents and a mother who abandoned her family when my husband was 12, HAD NO ROLE MODEL of a loving, nurturing HEALTHY marital relationship or Husband ...and so, we are starting our journey to learn TOGETHER!
I AM QUITE EXCITED! PTSD will always play a part in our marriage, but EVERY marriage has issues, we just have this one little thing of combat trauma thrown into ours that most couples DON'T have...
We have been married 16 years.
And, I can HONESTLY say only now, that I truly believe, because of the opportunities we are taking advantage of now, that the NEXT 16 WILL BE EVEN BETTER! Not perfect! ...but we will have the tools to Communicate, Fight Fairly, Honor & Respect...and hopefully these chaplains who have been downrange will provide me with insight into war, PTSD and what combat trauma does to a man, that only someone who has been there can do!
Only recently have I had the Revelation that God was with John at EVERY traumatic event during those 4 deployments,
[ I thought the bad days of PTSD NOW, were TOO ENOURMOUS FOR GOD TO HANDLE, which goes against everything I KNOW about God!]
...and was with me, back home as an FRG Leader,
(where the Leadership classes did NOT teach you how to handle a spouse having an abortion because they barely had enough money to make ends meet with the children they had; or the miscarriage of a very dear friend...these were situations I HAD NEVER FACED BEFORE IN MY LIFE, and had to face them on my own!)
...I know that God is Big enough to handle John's PTSD 'recovery' or help him to manage his symptoms, where now he is not AT ALL.
He did NOT, I believe, have us go through 4 combat tours, a diagnosis of PTSD and TBI, only to fall apart NOW.
...but some days, I will be honest. I don't get out of bed. I have that luxury because I don't have children. Some days, I just emotionally numb out. Other days, I can only take things 5 minutes at a time...and work my way up slowly to 30 minutes. I am not a perfect person by any means, and I think God is teaching me Patience. ugh...giggle
I HOPE you find SOMETHING that will help you in this compilation of articles!
Blessings and Hope for ALL of Us, as we are all on this Journey together!
Casey
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