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| Forum role | Member since | Last activity | Topics created | Replies created |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Member | Jul 21, 2012 (13 years) |
- | 1 | 0 |
- Forum role
- Member
- Member since
Jul 21, 2012 (13 years)
- Last activity
- -
- Topics created
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Bio
I have always already been anonymous. My entire life I’ve been told to feel that I am lazy, annoying or wrong… Turns out that the mixture of chemicals in my brain is proportionally weird compared to most brains… This means that I have less control over organizing, accessing and relaying my thoughts outside my head. This is something that took me thirty revolutions (around the sun) to know…
Recently I’ve started to feel in more control of my ability to understand and describe my own critical, existential situation and implicit confusions… I don’t know if writing this blog is going to turn out well for me professionally, personally or in any way really… I’m afraid of burning the rotting bridges joining me to the people in the world faster than I can build new ones… But lately I’ve started to feel as if I have found something that resembles what I imagine my voice would be (if it could even ever be my own), and I have been having these crazy thoughts and feelings that if I use my own voice without fear or shame or expectation, that maybe I don’t need to build bridges, I could just build a teleporter instead, that unlike Scotty, I do have enough power… I now, I know, I’m an idiot, it’s true, but these days, I am trying to make my omniscient confusion and idiotic imagination useful by focusing on it, trying to understand how it works and then trying to describe to the world what I think I know, in the the way I think I know it… And to just be satisfied with the hope that some scrap of relatable feeling may be exchanged to at least one other person in the world.
Even though my life situation has been critical for as long as I’ve known how to remember, the person I think I have been (who is related, though not the same as the person I think I am today) has also been intricately woven through with threads of love, joy and happiness on a beautiful loom made up of the people in my life with whom I feel safe enough to open myself up to and sometimes, even (or maybe because of) the most terrifying, stressful conditions, I have been able to experience unexpected moments of ecstasy which blot out even the most insidious and brutal pain (my ritual of watching star trek as a kid, every weekday at 8 after I finished my homework, for example). Lately, these moments have been swarming in a torrent across the various aspects of my life (personal, professional, intellectual) and emerging every time I open my mouth, wiggle my fingers over a keyboard or caress a capacitative screen… And nothing else that I can remember has ever felt so strange, funny or terrifying at the same time.
Despite this distinctly ‘odd’ situation, I still know that I am here today, right now, updating this post (and editing it again right now), and that I was also at home yesterday, doing and reading other things, and have also been a bunch of other places in the last few years before that have have done things then too, places and experiences that I could probably describe with relative clarity if I really tried… But rather than struggle with the inherent signal loss that comes with the degradation of the memory of a life experience, I am instead starting to allow myself to enjoy the immense, descriptive possibilites for pleasure in trying to describe this moment, here, right now (and then allowing myself too, to go back and edit, update, clarify or omit my descriptions at will). Even though it dosen’t matter that I’m updating this post on my laptop while listening to Puccini’s La Bohème at my school library before class instead of doing today’s assigned readings, and that the pads of my fingers are moist from excitement (all but my left middle finger, which I accidentally sheared the pad off of the other day while cutting lettuce and listening to Reggie Watts’s TED talk after recieving my first institutional offer to start a doctoral thesis in September), even though maybe the things I consider to be insignificant or meaningless, routine or mundane, maybe someone else out there (suspended outside of the limits of space and time, online), can find it important or useful in a way that I could never have imagined.
This is the the difficult kind of realization I’m trying to understand and express in high definition (with as much resolution as possible) that I feel every day in my work and life, by using this blog. Yes, today I am the same person who thought that the coded rebus-handle ‘too wise, four-eyes’ was a useful way to represent himself when first starting to venture online over a fifteen years ago… But though I still wear glasses (and my lenses have gotten thicker), I no longer feel like I possess any unusual or superfluous amount of wisdom (or ignorance for that matter) than anyone else in the world, I just think that the way I think, feel and talk about my own personal experience of life, happens to be inherently encoded at its source and that this situation is common to us all.
This blog is my attempt to break free from the limits of my own mental coding and to share my efforts (and really, my life) with a cosmos of anonymous others in terms that are relatable enough that the common impressions and relatable feelings we all experience, tacitly encoded in our own unique style of thought (knowingly or not), may become noticeable and allowed to resonate across the anonymous online networks, and by extension, the world of users AFK, in some real, meaningful, or useful way.
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